烦

今早得知没有办法申请到一个停车位，心很乱。
我的小蓝怎么办？每天日晒雨淋？担惊受怕？
担心晚上回来外面没有停车位。担心被人偷。担心被破坏。担心自己被打抢。

下午带着小蓝去百货公司躲避炎热的太阳。
结果竟然忘记把小蓝停在哪里。
在停车场里兜兜转转，很危险却没有办法。
折腾了好久，终于可以在小蓝里喘一口气。
偏偏这时候，家里又捎来电话。
妈妈问我一切还好吗。
故作坚强地讲完电话，一个人在车子里，眼泪开始在打转。

好累。好烦。好大压力。好空虚。好寂寞。
不知道我是为了什么才来到这个没有人味的城市。
我想回家。

眼泪转到一半却开始干了。
没有让自己脆弱的本钱。
应该再tough一点。
希望以后会更美好。

A double-period class in one day

- Scene 1 -

Teacher entered the classroom. Slowly put tones of stuff on the table. Students sat together in groups, playing chess or chitchatting like tomorrow's gonna be the end of the world. Nobody looked at the teacher.

T: (Try as hard as she could to put up a bright-till-you-turn-blind smile) Good afternoon class!

S: ...... (None responded. Some students sat like a boss, looked at the teacher in disdain. Some continued talking about their grandma stories.)

T: (Took a deep breathe and smiled again) Class~ Good afternoon~

S: .........(Some rolled their eyes)...tsk...G...ooood afternoooo..... (Slowly fading away) 

- Scene 2 -

T: Class, please take out your book. Today we're going to learn new things.

S: ...tsk... (Slowly moving their fingers/bodies. So slow until the teacher thought to herself: are they making a slow motion kind of animation?)

T: (Put up her bright-until-your-grandma-also-cannot-recognize smile again) Since we're going to miss quite a few classes during the PMR weeks, today we have to learn a lot of new stuff to prepare you for the end of year exam.

S: ...............................(Nobody was kind enough to at least look at the teacher or smile back at her. Slow motion move continued.)

- Scene 3 -

The teacher was explaining some grammar structures. Some students were chitchatting about how a boy next door was trying to hit on a girl next door. Some were staring at the teacher, with eyelids moving up and down quite frequently. Some were busy making the 'tsk' sound every once in a second. Nobody was actually listening to the lecture. Or responding.

One student took out her timetable and talked to her friend in a not-so-loud-yet-the-teacher-could-hear-it kind of tone: "Let's see, when are we direhatkan again ah? I don't care about other days, as long as we direhatkan on every TUESDAY then I'm so happy over the moon already."

They only have one double-period class with this particular teacher once a week.

And it's on a Tuesday.

- Scene 4 -

 T: Ok, now we are going to translate this classical Chinese article. Let's first copy down the original sentences....

One student talked to her friend in a not-too-loud-until-the-teacher-will-scold-but-the-whole-class-can-hear-it-including-the-teacher tone: "Copy. Copy. Copy. Always ask us to copy. Don't know what so good about copying. Copy got use meh?"

- Scene 5 - 

The teacher was teaching talking syoksendiri-ly about the classical Chinese article.

Student A: (Screaming at another student) Fxxk your mom lar!

T: Hey, no cursing at other person. Stop it.

Student A: (Turn to the teacher right away) I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU! MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS! 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Throughout the class, that teacher did not once raise her voice and yell at the students (even though she had been suppressing so hard). 

In the middle of the class, she did stop talking for a few seconds and let the class quiet down. And she continued teaching.

When the last bell rang, everybody just packed his/her bag and run out of class without asking for her permission. Nobody turned their head and bid goodbye to the teacher.

Quietly, the teacher packed all her stuff, wiped the whiteboard, switched off the fans, walked back to the staff room and went up to the Bilik Gerakan for a staff meeting.

There, she quietly wept.  

Oh students

Dang. I am so happy.
Those students are so adorable.
And I have so much fun teasing them.
Aww.

A random post

Read a post by one of the most interesting (at least to me lar) staff the other day and got inspired.
In short, I need to write more in order to improve my communication skill eh.
He said, writing comes first. Grammar and structure come later.
Yes, sir.

Quarter Life Crisis Confession V2

Yesterday when I was doing weekly housekeeping chores, I saw a baby lizard hiding in my room.
Damn.
As I was alone in the house, I had no choice but to 'handle' it on my own.
After spending half an hour battling with it, my room was in mess.
Phew.
Settled.

Then I received an interview invitation.
I was overjoyed at first since this is my first ever response from a company.
My heart sank when I read the details.
How am I going to go there? What to do when I don't have a car?
Lucky enough, a super kind friend offers help.
Phew.
Settled.

Then I had a little reflection at night.
When I know that I can only depend on myself, I HAVE to grow stronger.
Don't stay idle, keep praying and hoping there will be a prince charming coming to my rescue.
There is no such good thing. At least in my life thus far.

Become stronger, Lew Sheau Wen.

Quarter Life Crisis Confession V1

I forgot I have a blog.

What used to be my habit now seems unfamiliar to me.
What used to make me happy now seems strange to me.
What used to make me feel contented now just gives me plain frustration.

It's almost two years now.
The chapter is coming to an end soon.
Looking back, a lot of things have happened and a lot of memories have been created.
Recently, I have been stuffing myself with many tasks.
Job searching. Preparing for case interviews. Squeezing my brain juices for customized resumes and cover letter. Sending documents. Securing interviews. Attending networking events. Studying MFE papers. Re-studying microeconomics through coursera. Running like crazy on my mini treadmill everyday.
I make myself super busy everyday. Be it unintentionally or intentionally. Or both.
I am getting more and more restless when days go by and I still have not gotten what I want.
I force myself to move forward and never look back on my journey.

Because I am scared.
I am scared once I slow down and take a step back, I will lose the chance again.
Or simply, the feeling of regret will haunt me if I stop for awhile to reflect on my journey so far.

Yes.
I regretted.
And am still regretting.
Regret what? You say.
Regret being so idealistic.
Regret dreaming to be a superhero.
Regret taking the path less traveled by.
Regret being stubborn.
Regret being so naive.

I have never been so vulnerable before. At least not so publicly.
My collab once told me that she will not regret over anything despite all the hardships.
Because this is my choice. There is no point regretting over something that I choose. 
I have been hiding my inner feelings because I know that if I let them out, I will have to face my greatest fear.
I have been questioning myself: why am I so weak? Why am I so useless? Why do I regret?
I forbid myself to show my weaknesses in front of others.
I cut down on contacts with friends, for fear that people will ask me: how's life? What have you been doing? What's your plan afterwards? Why aren't you staying? Do you think it's worth it?
I allow myself to sink into emotional slump. Blaming hormonal imbalance for excessive weight gain. Self-pity for the abusive work environment. Losing motivation and drive because all my good and performing students were taken away from my guide. Self-doubt for being incompetent in many aspects.

I have been burying all these emotions deep inside my heart. I always have the assumption that, if I let them out, I am losing. All my pride. All my dignity.
The turning point came when one day I couldn't take it anymore and cried telling my collab how regretful I feel towards my life choice. I confided my fear and frustration to her.
That was the day when I felt most vulnerable. And that was the day that forced me to face my fear. Face to face. One on one.

So negative. You might say.
Yes. I won't deny that I AM very negative.
But all these confessions have made me stronger day by day.
I'm still on my way to find my own happiness in life.
The process will take a long time. Might be painful. Might be heartbreaking at times.
But I am still hopeful.
Hopeful that one day, I can overcome my crisis.
And one day, I will be able to find my smile back.

忆

看到你安详地躺在里面，那一刻我很平静。

之后一直都很平静。

那时候在想。

啊，失去亲人是这样的感觉。

事隔一个月，偶尔想起你。

心里还是很平静。

虽然心里某处在崩溃中，日子还是得过的。

我很想念你。

希望你在那边过得安好。

我会学牛吃草

周记节。

学生：“老师，又自由题？！不懂写什么咯！老师出题啦！”

随手写了个题目：如果生命只剩下十天。

学生A
我会去给电sot一下看被sot的感觉是什么。
我会学牛吃草。
我会学长颈鹿吃叶子。
我会站在KLCC上面看马来西亚，和等死，一到第十天就直接掉下去。

评语：你真是个很特别的学生。

学生B
前两天，我要做什么什么什么。。。
两天，我又要做什么什么。。。
然后三天，我要做这个那个。。。
剩下的三天，我要做什么什么什么。。。

评语：你的数学也蛮不错的嘛，有没有考虑当会计师？

学生C
*写完全跟题目无关的东西*
我今天早上一起床，很闲，就去上课了。去到学校，见到朋友，就跟他们玩游戏王卡。
完了不久后，老师就叫我们进班了。进班后，我们就玩卡了。
不久后，华文老师就进班了。我们就没有玩卡了。
然后老师就叫我们写周记了。之后，我就和朋友玩卡了。
然后就放学了。我就回家吃饭睡觉了。

评语：谢谢你让我知道你一天的平凡生活。还有，
不要滥用“就”这个字！（后面8个字以font size 36写在簿子里）

学生D
*也是完全跟题目无关的东西*
学校假期里所做的事情：
1）吃饭
2）睡觉
3）大便

评语：老师相信每个人都会排泄的。

考试

今天是分派考卷的日子。

一踏进课室，什么都没说，只在白板上写了几个字：三月份考试检讨会。
然后很严肃地分派小纸张给学生。

“你们觉得这次的考试如何？”
“很难！” 全班人不约而同地。很多人都苦着一张脸。很委屈似的。
“那你们在那张白纸写上你们觉得自己今次考试会得的分数。”

待所有人写好后，我一个接一个地分派考卷。
看得出每位学生都很紧张。
有些同学更是已有“准备回家洗好屁股等着被妈妈鞭”的自觉。

“哇！”
“哈哈！”
“啊！”
“OH MY GOD！”
“我的妈啊！”
“真的假的？”

无可否认，今次的考试我是出题出得有点过分了。
记得当初印刷完所有试卷后，我开始很担心。
因为这一次我很大胆地摒除所有选择题。
学生们如果想考好成绩就必须动用思维能力，自行解答很open-ended的问题。
当初还想了很多补救措施，心里盘算着如果所有人都不及格，那我要如何收拾烂摊子。。。

可是事实证明，这班学生比我想象中还要有潜能。
连后段班的那群“大佬”学生都认真地做完整份考卷直到最后一分钟。
看到他们今次的表现，真的觉得很光荣。

下次考试一定要出更难的问题。

因为。。。因为什么？？？？！！！！ 

arghhhhhhhhh 这种想暗爽又不晓得该为了什么而爽也有种被称赞到半天吊的感觉真的很。。。

很。。。。。。

很。。。

开心。

看来当初坚持每星期一节课逼迫学生当场写“周记”的决定是对的。