A double-period class in one day

- Scene 1 -

Teacher entered the classroom. Slowly put tones of stuff on the table. Students sat together in groups, playing chess or chitchatting like tomorrow's gonna be the end of the world. Nobody looked at the teacher.

T: (Try as hard as she could to put up a bright-till-you-turn-blind smile) Good afternoon class!

S: ...... (None responded. Some students sat like a boss, looked at the teacher in disdain. Some continued talking about their grandma stories.)

T: (Took a deep breathe and smiled again) Class~ Good afternoon~

S: .........(Some rolled their eyes)...tsk...G...ooood afternoooo..... (Slowly fading away) 

- Scene 2 -

T: Class, please take out your book. Today we're going to learn new things.

S: ...tsk... (Slowly moving their fingers/bodies. So slow until the teacher thought to herself: are they making a slow motion kind of animation?)

T: (Put up her bright-until-your-grandma-also-cannot-recognize smile again) Since we're going to miss quite a few classes during the PMR weeks, today we have to learn a lot of new stuff to prepare you for the end of year exam.

S: ...............................(Nobody was kind enough to at least look at the teacher or smile back at her. Slow motion move continued.)

- Scene 3 -

The teacher was explaining some grammar structures. Some students were chitchatting about how a boy next door was trying to hit on a girl next door. Some were staring at the teacher, with eyelids moving up and down quite frequently. Some were busy making the 'tsk' sound every once in a second. Nobody was actually listening to the lecture. Or responding.

One student took out her timetable and talked to her friend in a not-so-loud-yet-the-teacher-could-hear-it kind of tone: "Let's see, when are we direhatkan again ah? I don't care about other days, as long as we direhatkan on every TUESDAY then I'm so happy over the moon already."

They only have one double-period class with this particular teacher once a week.

And it's on a Tuesday.

- Scene 4 -

 T: Ok, now we are going to translate this classical Chinese article. Let's first copy down the original sentences....

One student talked to her friend in a not-too-loud-until-the-teacher-will-scold-but-the-whole-class-can-hear-it-including-the-teacher tone: "Copy. Copy. Copy. Always ask us to copy. Don't know what so good about copying. Copy got use meh?"

- Scene 5 - 

The teacher was teaching talking syoksendiri-ly about the classical Chinese article.

Student A: (Screaming at another student) Fxxk your mom lar!

T: Hey, no cursing at other person. Stop it.

Student A: (Turn to the teacher right away) I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU! MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS! 

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Throughout the class, that teacher did not once raise her voice and yell at the students (even though she had been suppressing so hard). 

In the middle of the class, she did stop talking for a few seconds and let the class quiet down. And she continued teaching.

When the last bell rang, everybody just packed his/her bag and run out of class without asking for her permission. Nobody turned their head and bid goodbye to the teacher.

Quietly, the teacher packed all her stuff, wiped the whiteboard, switched off the fans, walked back to the staff room and went up to the Bilik Gerakan for a staff meeting.

There, she quietly wept.  

Oh students

Dang. I am so happy.
Those students are so adorable.
And I have so much fun teasing them.
Aww.

A random post

Read a post by one of the most interesting (at least to me lar) staff the other day and got inspired.
In short, I need to write more in order to improve my communication skill eh.
He said, writing comes first. Grammar and structure come later.
Yes, sir.

Quarter Life Crisis Confession V2

Yesterday when I was doing weekly housekeeping chores, I saw a baby lizard hiding in my room.
Damn.
As I was alone in the house, I had no choice but to 'handle' it on my own.
After spending half an hour battling with it, my room was in mess.
Phew.
Settled.

Then I received an interview invitation.
I was overjoyed at first since this is my first ever response from a company.
My heart sank when I read the details.
How am I going to go there? What to do when I don't have a car?
Lucky enough, a super kind friend offers help.
Phew.
Settled.

Then I had a little reflection at night.
When I know that I can only depend on myself, I HAVE to grow stronger.
Don't stay idle, keep praying and hoping there will be a prince charming coming to my rescue.
There is no such good thing. At least in my life thus far.

Become stronger, Lew Sheau Wen.

Quarter Life Crisis Confession V1

I forgot I have a blog.

What used to be my habit now seems unfamiliar to me.
What used to make me happy now seems strange to me.
What used to make me feel contented now just gives me plain frustration.

It's almost two years now.
The chapter is coming to an end soon.
Looking back, a lot of things have happened and a lot of memories have been created.
Recently, I have been stuffing myself with many tasks.
Job searching. Preparing for case interviews. Squeezing my brain juices for customized resumes and cover letter. Sending documents. Securing interviews. Attending networking events. Studying MFE papers. Re-studying microeconomics through coursera. Running like crazy on my mini treadmill everyday.
I make myself super busy everyday. Be it unintentionally or intentionally. Or both.
I am getting more and more restless when days go by and I still have not gotten what I want.
I force myself to move forward and never look back on my journey.

Because I am scared.
I am scared once I slow down and take a step back, I will lose the chance again.
Or simply, the feeling of regret will haunt me if I stop for awhile to reflect on my journey so far.

Yes.
I regretted.
And am still regretting.
Regret what? You say.
Regret being so idealistic.
Regret dreaming to be a superhero.
Regret taking the path less traveled by.
Regret being stubborn.
Regret being so naive.

I have never been so vulnerable before. At least not so publicly.
My collab once told me that she will not regret over anything despite all the hardships.
Because this is my choice. There is no point regretting over something that I choose. 
I have been hiding my inner feelings because I know that if I let them out, I will have to face my greatest fear.
I have been questioning myself: why am I so weak? Why am I so useless? Why do I regret?
I forbid myself to show my weaknesses in front of others.
I cut down on contacts with friends, for fear that people will ask me: how's life? What have you been doing? What's your plan afterwards? Why aren't you staying? Do you think it's worth it?
I allow myself to sink into emotional slump. Blaming hormonal imbalance for excessive weight gain. Self-pity for the abusive work environment. Losing motivation and drive because all my good and performing students were taken away from my guide. Self-doubt for being incompetent in many aspects.

I have been burying all these emotions deep inside my heart. I always have the assumption that, if I let them out, I am losing. All my pride. All my dignity.
The turning point came when one day I couldn't take it anymore and cried telling my collab how regretful I feel towards my life choice. I confided my fear and frustration to her.
That was the day when I felt most vulnerable. And that was the day that forced me to face my fear. Face to face. One on one.

So negative. You might say.
Yes. I won't deny that I AM very negative.
But all these confessions have made me stronger day by day.
I'm still on my way to find my own happiness in life.
The process will take a long time. Might be painful. Might be heartbreaking at times.
But I am still hopeful.
Hopeful that one day, I can overcome my crisis.
And one day, I will be able to find my smile back.