Quarter Life Crisis Confession V1

I forgot I have a blog.

What used to be my habit now seems unfamiliar to me.
What used to make me happy now seems strange to me.
What used to make me feel contented now just gives me plain frustration.

It's almost two years now.
The chapter is coming to an end soon.
Looking back, a lot of things have happened and a lot of memories have been created.
Recently, I have been stuffing myself with many tasks.
Job searching. Preparing for case interviews. Squeezing my brain juices for customized resumes and cover letter. Sending documents. Securing interviews. Attending networking events. Studying MFE papers. Re-studying microeconomics through coursera. Running like crazy on my mini treadmill everyday.
I make myself super busy everyday. Be it unintentionally or intentionally. Or both.
I am getting more and more restless when days go by and I still have not gotten what I want.
I force myself to move forward and never look back on my journey.

Because I am scared.
I am scared once I slow down and take a step back, I will lose the chance again.
Or simply, the feeling of regret will haunt me if I stop for awhile to reflect on my journey so far.

Yes.
I regretted.
And am still regretting.
Regret what? You say.
Regret being so idealistic.
Regret dreaming to be a superhero.
Regret taking the path less traveled by.
Regret being stubborn.
Regret being so naive.

I have never been so vulnerable before. At least not so publicly.
My collab once told me that she will not regret over anything despite all the hardships.
Because this is my choice. There is no point regretting over something that I choose. 
I have been hiding my inner feelings because I know that if I let them out, I will have to face my greatest fear.
I have been questioning myself: why am I so weak? Why am I so useless? Why do I regret?
I forbid myself to show my weaknesses in front of others.
I cut down on contacts with friends, for fear that people will ask me: how's life? What have you been doing? What's your plan afterwards? Why aren't you staying? Do you think it's worth it?
I allow myself to sink into emotional slump. Blaming hormonal imbalance for excessive weight gain. Self-pity for the abusive work environment. Losing motivation and drive because all my good and performing students were taken away from my guide. Self-doubt for being incompetent in many aspects.

I have been burying all these emotions deep inside my heart. I always have the assumption that, if I let them out, I am losing. All my pride. All my dignity.
The turning point came when one day I couldn't take it anymore and cried telling my collab how regretful I feel towards my life choice. I confided my fear and frustration to her.
That was the day when I felt most vulnerable. And that was the day that forced me to face my fear. Face to face. One on one.

So negative. You might say.
Yes. I won't deny that I AM very negative.
But all these confessions have made me stronger day by day.
I'm still on my way to find my own happiness in life.
The process will take a long time. Might be painful. Might be heartbreaking at times.
But I am still hopeful.
Hopeful that one day, I can overcome my crisis.
And one day, I will be able to find my smile back.